Parenting Inadequacies

On one of my many trips to our neighborhood Walmart, I witnessed a heart-wrenching and somewhat confusing scene. A father was yelling for his daughter to get out of the car. A stream of expletives flew out of his mouth as he demanded his daughter get out of the car. A little girl emerged. She was dressed in her Sunday best- a frilly white dress. She couldn't have been more than nine or ten. The look on her face was a mix of fear and utter humiliation. The father (also dressed in "church" clothes) drug her into the store. I continued to watch- I was bewildered and horrified at his behavior. It all came together when he (very loudly) forced his daughter to confess to a customer service representative that she has stolen an item from the store. The other customers, who had stopped what they were doing to watch the scene unfold, seemed to shrug their shoulders and return to their shopping. One man remarked, "She won't do that again." 

In my spirit, I wrestled with the morality of what had just happened. It seemed as if the other customers did not share my sense of outrage- that somehow, the punishment had fit the crime. As many of you know, I minister in a culture different than my own. The inner city has a different set of rules and values when it comes to disciplining children. While I don't always agree with or condone some of these values, I try not to judge too quickly or too harshly. Many of the parents we minister to love their children but because of the lack of parental role models and an understanding of the unconditional love of Christ, they are unable to discipline in a way that shows both love and firmness. 

My heart was burdened for this little girl who had to endure such harsh discipline that seemed devoid of love and compassion. My first instinct was judgement and hatred toward a father who would use such abuse to "teach his daughter a lesson." Then, I felt a burden for him. Part of me realized that he was trying to be a good parent (although the means he used were wrong and inexcusable). He was operating under the philosophy of "scaring her straight"- that by using such extreme measures she would be sure not to repeat the offense. What kind of parental role models did he have growing up? Was that the way he was disciplined as a child?

Parenting is hard. Knowing how to discipline your child with love, consistency and the appropriate amount of firmness is extremely difficult and often, emotionally exhausting. As I continued my shopping, I began to think of my own inadequacies in parenting. While I have never verbally abused my children, how many times (in the privacy of my home) have I responded in anger and lost my temper? How many times has my level of impatience and frustration overruled the need to show understanding and forgiveness? 

As parents we are charged with a daunting task: "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). The difficulty lies in knowing how to train up your children. Most Christians know the basics: Teach the your kids to love God and obey His Word. But how do you demand obedience from your kid without crushing their spirit? How much does their unique personality play a part in the type of discipline you administer? These are questions that have plagued me in the joyful and yet overwhelming task of parenting. How much more daunting is the task to unbelievers- especially unbelievers who have grown up amid poverty and dysfunction? How does one know how to be a loving parent if he or she was deprived of one as a child?

As an inner city missionary my passion is for every man, woman and child to know the ultimate parent: Our Abba Father- full of perfect love and no inadequacies. God can mend the brokenness and touch the scarred and wounded places of the heart. He is a father to the fatherless. Not only that, He gives each one of us the grace we need to be godly parents- despite our inadequacies.

I pray that the little girl in the white dress knows her Heavenly Father loves her dearly. I pray that her earthly father knows he is loved, too, and that knowledge can overflow onto his daughter.