"I know my kids have forgiven me and I know God has forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself."
In her eyes was a mixture of hope and guilt. Hope for a fresh start with the forgiveness she knew had been granted but guilt for a past that still haunted her. I have heard this same refrain from many women over the course of my ministry.
Truthfully, I have heard this in my own mind- a place where my darkest, most insecure parts of me are buried deep. Where I re-live the things I most regret- words I have screamed at my children, the critical comments I have thrown at my own husband and the judgmental thoughts I have harboured toward friends and co-workers, to name a few. Forgiving yourself is hard. Loving yourself, with all your baggage and flaws, is even harder.
How could God love me in my most wretched state? I am not talking about pre-salvation when I had yet to acknowledge my sin or experience God's grace. What about my daily wretchedness? Does God still love me despite the habitual sin- despite the sin of my "secret self" no one sees but me?
At our recent Regional Women' s Retreat several women poured out their hearts as they shared deep wounds and secrets they had deemed "unforgivable." One woman shared how her alcohol addiction had caused her son to be born with fetal-alcohol syndrome. Her shame and guilt over this had caused her to bury this secret. Until that evening, she had never told anyone. Another woman bravely admitted a narcotics addiction she had kept hidden from everyone at her church. In their most vulnerable states, they let us in. And we, in turn, offered love- the love of God. Because God loves us wholly and completely- in our sin and ugliness. No, He does not condone sin but His love isn't lessened because of it.
Dear sister or brother, you are loved just as you are right at this moment- in the midst of your own personal chaos, whatever that may be.
The Son of the Most High God loves YOU.
