The title of my blog is "The Road Less Traveled." However, the title of this particular post ought to be: "The Road I Never Wanted to Travel." One month ago, I delivered our sweet baby boy, Justus. He came four weeks early and spent the first 12 days of his life in the Special Care Nursery and in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. This was not the way I imagined bringing our little boy into the world- attached to numerous cords, monitors and IVs. However, through this journey, we experienced a whole new aspect of faith and how powerful the Body of Christ can be. The following is an account of those 12 days. In the years to come, I want to be able to remember every detail of this time as a testament to God's goodness and grace and be able to share this someday with Justus. Beware, it is rather lengthy- so feel free to skim. :)
I went into labor on Friday, August 10 at 8:00 pm. Daren, Jackson and I had just returned from an evening of running errands. Our last stop had been at Sam's to stock up on food for our outreach that Sunday. Shortly after arriving home, I started having contractions. I assumed it was false labor- it was too early to be real labor. I remember watching the Olympics and the clock at the same time. By the time they were five minutes apart, they were showing the track and field events. Jackson was up watching them with me (we still hadn't put him to bed). While watching the women run, he remarks, "Their tummies are so small and yours is so big." Yes, son, my belly is big because I am having a baby- apparently sooner than I anticipated. And, no, mommy's tummy will never be that small- baby or no baby.
At this point, I phone my OB's office and speak with a nurse. She tells me it's time to check into the hospital. Thankfully, my bag was already packed (I had a feeling he was going to come early- although not this early). We called my mom and she came over to stay with Jackson. Part of me still thought (hoped) that this might be false labor and they would send me home. No such luck. Once I checked in, I was already dilated to a four and my contractions were three minutes apart. Thankfully, my labor was easier than with Jackson. I was actually able to watch TV while I breathed through contractions. I remember that we were watching "Nick at Nite". I remember my contractions getting more painful with each new TV show: Mildly painful during "Scrubs", hard to breathe through during "George Lopez" and so-painful-I-no-longer-want-to-watch-TV during "The Nanny."
By that point, it was seven in the morning and I was dilated to a seven and I thought, "An epidural might be nice." After the effects of the epidural settled in, we continued to discuss name options. Did I mention that we had not officially settled on a name yet?! It was also during this time, that I began to realize that our lives were about to change again. I was thinking about the fun plans we had for the weekend. My mom was going to watch Jackson for the day and we were going to see a musical with friends, go out to eat, see a movie- have one last date night before the baby. So much for that. I also had plans to celebrate my mom's birthday. My mom, sister and I were all going to have lunch together and get pedicures. And what about the neighborhood outreach we had planned...at our house?!
I didn't have too long to ponder these things because by 8:30 am, it was time to start pushing. At 9:03, we welcomed little Justus Scott into the world. It was truly a beautiful and happy moment to hold this precious little life that had been living inside me for the past nine months. Unfortunately, the moment was short-lived. After briefly holding him, the nurses checked him over and noticed an irregularity in his breathing. It sounded like he had fluid on his longs. Our pediatrician confirmed this and sent him to the Special Care Nursery. I was told this was somewhat normal and I wasn't too worried. After I was well enough, I would visit him there.
This was just the beginning of our long journey. What we thought would be 2 days turned into 12. In fact, I wasn't able to see Just again for another 24 hours due to health complications of my own. A few hours after leaving the delivery room, it was determined that there was placenta still in my uterus. This can be potentially dangerous so the nurse and doctor had to act quickly. The doctor manually removed the remaining placenta. This was, to say the least, a horrendous experience. I have never experienced pain like that in my life. Normally, I am not a screamer, but on this occasion, my screams could be heard in the hallway. And the worst part was that Daren wasn't there. He had gone home for a few minutes before we knew anything was wrong. I'll spare you the gory details.
Despite all the pain, I was very lucky. Well, maybe lucky is the wrong word. Looking back, I see how God was watching out for me every step of the way. The nurse detected the problem early. Her patient before me bled out due to the same problem so she was on the alert for similar symptoms in me. The doctor was able to successfully remove all the placenta and the medication helped stop the bleeding. And because I didn't loose that much blood during childbirth, my hemoglobin levels never dropped significantly and I didn't have to have a blood transfusion.
The next ten days were the longest of my life. We experienced so many ups and downs. There were joys and tears, peace and fears- all mingled together. Every day had its challenges. Justus' first few days were focused on getting rid of the jaundice and making sure his lungs were clear. I would spend my days watching him under the billy lights- his tiny body bare except for a diaper and a paper mask covering his eyes. I treasured the moments I could hold him while I nursed him- which was often difficult with all the cords and monitors. Each night, we would leave him and it felt wrong somehow to be leaving the hospital without him. I would ride the elevator to the lobby and see moms leaving with their newborns tucked safely in their arms. I enviously wished it were me. Some days it seemed like we were never going home.
And just when we thought Justus was getting well enough to take home, we had a major setback. The nurse informed us that while we were away, Just had stopped breathing for 20 seconds. He turned blue and she had to administer oxygen. Our pediatrician thought it might have been a seizure and ordered a consult with a neonatal neurologist. The neurologist ordered an EEG. To our dismay, the EEG showed seizure activity in his brain. I remember siting in the room while the doctor delivered this news. I managed to hold back tears as he explained the numerous tests that would need to be done on Justus to determine the cause of his seizures. He said that sometimes seizures can be caused by a bleeding on the brain or spinal meningitis. My mind was spinning. It was hard to imagine that something terrible could be wrong. In order to perform the tests and begin him on the anti-seizure medication, he needed to be transferred to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). When the nurse came to transfer him, the tears began to flow. We had been so close to going home. Now this. It was difficult to see God's hand in this and to trust him.
As we walked into the NICU, it was hard not to notice all the incubators and the tiny babies inside them. Many of them only a couple pounds and hooked up to all kinds of IVs and breathing tubes. We made our way to Justus' little crib. No longer could I reach over and touch and hold my baby. I had to don a gown and gloves in order to hold him. He looked so small and helpless. I only had a few minutes before they performed the spinal tap. The doctor led us to a waiting room- we couldn't be there while he performed the procedure. It was at that point that we were most raw. We were worn out- physically and emotionally exhausted. We couldn't talk. We just held onto each other in silence.
The doctor returned shortly and informed us the spinal tap went well- even though it took two tries. We could go back and see him now. He looked so small and helpless with bandages and and an IV coming from head. I held him before leaving and whispered how much we loved him. Tearfully, I asked the nurse what they do if he cries- my worst fear was imagining my little baby crying out with no one to comfort him. It was so hard to leave. I cried the whole way home.
The next few days were spent waiting for test results. Amazingly, each test came back negative! Although we may never know the cause of his seizures, we did find out that there was no life-threatening underlying causes. The Lord is good no matter what the outcome (a truth my mom taught me), but we were very thankful for the good news.
Now, we could be transferred out of the NICU and back to Special Care. The battle was not over yet. In order for Justus to be released, he had to eat completely on his own without the aid of a feeding tube. That meant that I had to watch the clock as I nursed and then tell the nurse how many minutes he nursed. If it was under 18 minutes, she had to supplement him with the feeding tube. It was very nerve-wrecking for me- especially with all the cords and monitor. He would sometimes eat so fast, his oxygen levels would drop. So I would have to watch his O-SAT (oxygen saturation) levels to make sure they did not drop to 70. If they did, I would have to stop feeding him until it stabilized. Talk about stressful! If he nursed well, I would be elated. If he nursed poorly, I would despair.
One morning, after making the long walk from Special Care to the parking garage (a walk I could have done in my sleep), I got into my care and tried not to cry. I remember praying. I can't recall exactly what I prayed but I know there was desperation in it. It had been a long journey and I was tired.
The Lord heard my prayer. Justus began to nurse better and no longer needed his feeding tube. What a huge relief! Then, we were told that we could be released to a Family Care Room. This meant we could room in the same room with Justus but still have nurses on hand if we needed them. We were very excited- it was one more step closer to going home. However, our pediatrician informed us that Justus would need to be on a heart monitor once he was released to go home. Since his seizure had caused him to stop breathing, the doctor wanted him to wear it as a precaution. I thought, "Okay, no big deal." Little did I know what that monitor would entail! It was the size of a small DVD player and had a big long cord that was attached to two nodes that had to be velcroed to a band that went across his chest. He had to wear this monitor continuously and we had to know how to trouble-shoot it in case it went off by error- which it did a few times. When it did go off, it was an ear-piercing beeping that could wake the dead. Talk about nerve-wrecking! I kind of freaked out when we got through with our tutorial. I was so looking forward to holding my baby without all the cords attached.
Good news was on the way, though. Our pediatrician came by the next morning and told us we could go home! Justus would need to remain on the phenobarbital and heart monitor, but other than that, he was a healthy baby. We were overjoyed. No more nurses fussing about, no more daily weigh-ins, no more trips to the hospital. We were going home. Home. What a wonderful word that is.
We have been home now for awhile and I have had some time to process those 12 days. When I look back on it, I realize how much the Lord provided for us. He gave us strength when we were weak, perseverance when the road was rough and hope when we despaired. He is a God who gives good gifts to His children- even when circumstances are difficult and painful.
I am also thankful for the Body of Christ. We were surrounded by friends and family who loved us and cared for us the entire time we were in the hospital. We had a number of people bring meals over, we had people praying for us in a number of churches, we had four pastors come and pray for Justus- two were from our Spanish-speaking church plants, we had friends and family take care of Jackson and we even had two of our dear friends sneak over and clean our house and do our laundry! Words cannot describe how blessed we felt to have such love and support from our brothers and sisters in Christ. We are also so thankful to our wonderful parents who did so much for us and supported us through everything.
Trusting in God is easy when life goes according to plan. I am learning to trust God when life does not go according to my plan. The Lord gives us exactly what we need when we need it. "Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me" (Psalm 63:7-8).
We walk by faith not by sight.
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"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17-18
