A Soft Heart and Thick Skin

I see my Jackson with his goofy grin dancing in the dressing room in JC Penney's. He giggles at his reflection in the mirror as I try my hardest to button his uniform pants and check the length (he seems to be outgrowing everything these days). I can't help but laugh at his exuberance and exhilaration during this back-to-school shopping trip. He knows little of what lies before him as he embarks on the beginning of his school career.

But I do.

I know that what lies ahead he will have to encounter, deal with and adapt to without me by his side. I know this is ultimately for the best and I must embrace the bitter sweetness of letting him go and take the first step into becoming his own, independent person. A person who will soak up new things about the people and world around him, learn how to assert himself and stand up for what he believes in and figure out how to open his yogurt without my help (yes, even basics such as this!).

But even though I cannot physically be by his side, I know the Lord watches over my little boy. And this comforting truth prompted me to write a letter/prayer to my Jackson.

I pray you have a soft heart and thick skin. That when others say hurtful things to you or you overhear unkind words, they roll off you like drops of water. At the same time, I pray that your heart will not harden or become jaded by the cruelty of the world. I pray that the Lord will continue to nurture your tender spirit and compassion toward others- that you will be the one who makes friends with the friendless and stands up for the bullied. I pray that you will take delight in the study of the world around you, in books you can get lost in and in the uniqueness of each of your new friends. 

I love you, Jackson, and will miss our midday cuddles on the coach, but I look forward to the adventures you will have. And I can't wait to hear all about it when I pick you up from school. :)

The Superwoman Myth

As women, we are often misguided in our notions regarding the “strong Christian woman”.  We have built her up into some kind of spiritual superwoman. She doesn’t get discouraged or depressed. She has endless energy, no major weaknesses and doesn’t struggle with habitual sin and she has Michelle Obama’s perfectly sculpted biceps (okay, maybe that's just me!).

I am no theologian, but I would like to paint a picture of a different type of strong, Christian woman. The type of woman I am striving to be (although I'm definitely not there yet): A woman whose strength flows out of her weakness- who is not afraid to admit her failures, her anxieties and her shortcomings because she knows Christ’s power is made perfect in her weakness.

Recently, my friend, fellow missionary Amber Carter and I helped put on our Midwest women’s retreat. Our theme was: Sisterhood: Standing Strong Together, Empowered to Fight the Battle. We used military images as a metaphor for how we must band together as soldiers for Christ.

After one of our sessions, a dear friend and sister from one of our churches asked me what it meant to “Step up and fight the battle.” She further stated that she didn’t see herself as a soldier. I was surprised by her response. I know this woman- she is a leader of a wonderful women’s group in her church. She has a heart and passion to minister to the hurting. She once gave up the pair of shoes she was wearing during an outreach event at a park to a homeless woman who had no shoes. Without a second thought, she graciously gave them away and continued with the outreach in only her socks.

I replied, “You are already fighting the battle! You lead a women’s ministry in which you persevere despite health issues, conflict and trials. You push through even when times are tough.”

With tears in her eyes, she quietly said, “I don’t see myself as being strong. I’m tired and worn down.”

Giving her a big hug, I firmly reminded her, “You are a strong leader. You are a veteran soldier on the battlefield- faithfully serving our commander, Christ.”

Maybe you don’t feel strong today. Maybe your recent struggles and hardships have left you battered and bruised. Maybe you, too, feel the overwhelming presence of your own weaknesses.

But take heart! 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says,

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

To all my dear sisters in Christ: May you feel the power of the Holy Spirit in you. May you know the victory of our Lord over sin and death.  May you know the strength of Christ in your most weakest moments.

2014 in Review

Another year gone by...our boys are growing- from babies to toddlers and from toddlers to preschoolers. Our ministry is evolving in ways that are, on one hand, exciting and on the other hand, troubling. But through it all, God's hand of grace is always on us. So, I wrap up this year with some serious but mostly lighthearted lists:

Family Highlights
Daren and I celebrated 10 years of marriage!
We went to Puerto Vallarta with Tony and Shari!
Jackson started preschool at CCA and loved it!
Justus learned that being cute can manipulate mommy!
We, mom and Dad and Dana and Nick and our kids vacationed in Arkansas!
Daren and I visited New Orleans and attended Boomer and Andrea's wedding in Pensacola, FL!
Tina completed the 10K at Riverfest and won the Rosie the Riveter Contest!
Daren climbed another fourteener!
My brother, Scott, got married to a wonderful woman, Joetta!

Ministry Highlights
Daren led our first Christ the Victor Church Plant School!
Daren officiated his first wedding as a Reverend inside the Hutchinson Correctional Facility!
Tina, Mom and Dad planned the missions program for Emmaus and it went great!
Tina directed CAP (Candidate Assessment Program) for the first time!
Tina lead our Regional Women's Retreat and over 100 women attended!

Most-Played Songs on Ipod
"Counting Stars" - One Republic
"Shake it Off"- Taylor Swift
"All About That Bass"- Megan Trainor
"So Far Away"- Carole King
"Talk Dirty"- Jason Derulo
"Timber"- Pitbull
"Lose Yourself"- Eminem

Most-Watched Netflix Shows
Parks and Rec
Hell on Wheels
The Walking Dead
Fraiser
New Girl
Scandal

Thought-Provoking Books
"Expectations and Burnout: Women Surviving the Great Commission", Sue Eengenburg, Robynn Bliss
"Growing Through Stress", Kath Donovan
"Cross-Cultural Servanthood", Duane Elmer
"Hunger Games" Series, Suzanne Collins
"From Crip to Christ", Eric West
"When Others Shuddered: Eight Women Who Refused to Give Up", Jamie Janosz

I Survived...
Planning Scott and Joetta's wedding! It was crazy but so worth it to be a part of a beautiful wedding.
Coordinating the wedding, Christmas celebrations and helping Tambra as she and the family mourned the tragic death of Reisha (who was shot and killed by her boyfriend).
Daren's many travels as it was just the boys and I at home.
Another year of being a mom, missionary (with a variety of jobs!) and supportive wife (mostly supportive)!

Thank you, Jesus, for this past year!

His Eye is on the Sparrow

1. "Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
   Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
   When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
2. 
   
3. I have heard this song many times, but its words impacted me once again at a funeral I attended recently-the funeral of a young woman in our community who was shot and killed by her boyfriend. A woman of 19 who leaves behind two small boys.

In the midst of planning and preparing for the joyous occasion of my brother's wedding, I received the call from a dear friend that her niece (whom I knew as well), had been shot and killed. I grieved with her over the sudden death. I sat silently with her in her apartment as she grappled with the unknowns of the situation. Why was this young woman left to die on the street- alone and without comfort? Why would God allow a mother to be taken away so violently from the two little boys she loved? Not easy questions to answer. 

In the midst of Christmas and wedding celebrations, I felt a burden for those grieving and trying to process loss that I have never had to experience. Many of those grieving- siblings, cousins, parents- don't know the peace and hope of Christ.

The funeral service was packed with people- including many who are gang members. My heart ached as each person passed her coffin to say goodbye- the desperate sobs of those who will miss her most still echo in my ears.

Whose arms will these hurting souls run to? Do they know their Heavenly Father waits with open arms? He longs to heal their wounds and to hide them beneath the shadow of His wings.

After leaving the funeral, I will admit, I felt a sense of hopelessness. Can Christ truly penetrate the chaos, violence and poverty that I can only glimpse at? I know in my heart He can, but at times I feel unequipped to the task of urban ministry.

It's hard- plain and simple. It's gut-wrenching. It takes all you have and more and sometimes fruit is hard to see.

But I know His eye is on the city and more than that, He is at work in the city! He loves each person who attended that funeral and His hope is that each person come to know Him as Savior.

How thankful I am that Christ is my portion- that he sustains me when I am week and ill-equipped.

1. “Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
   And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
   Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."