You are Loved

"I know my kids have forgiven me and I know God has forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself."

In her eyes was a mixture of hope and guilt. Hope for a fresh start with the forgiveness she knew had been granted but guilt for a past that still haunted her. I have heard this same refrain from many women over the course of my ministry.

Truthfully, I have heard this in my own mind- a place where my darkest, most insecure parts of me are buried deep. Where I re-live the things I most regret- words I have screamed at my children, the critical comments I have thrown at my own husband and the judgmental thoughts I have harboured toward friends and co-workers, to name a few. Forgiving yourself is hard. Loving yourself, with all your baggage and flaws, is even harder.

How could God love me in my most wretched state? I am not talking about pre-salvation when I had yet to acknowledge my sin or experience God's grace. What about my daily wretchedness? Does God still love me despite the habitual sin- despite the sin of my "secret self" no one sees but me?

At our recent Regional Women' s Retreat several women poured out their hearts as they shared deep wounds and secrets they had deemed "unforgivable." One woman shared how her alcohol addiction had caused her son to be born with fetal-alcohol syndrome. Her shame and guilt over this had caused her to bury this secret. Until that evening, she had never told anyone. Another woman bravely admitted a narcotics addiction she had kept hidden from everyone at her church. In their most vulnerable states, they let us in. And we, in turn, offered love- the love of God. Because God loves us wholly and completely- in our sin and ugliness. No, He does not condone sin but His love isn't lessened because of it.

Dear sister or brother, you are loved just as you are right at this moment- in the midst of your own personal chaos, whatever that may be.

The Son of the Most High God loves YOU.

Noxzema and Nostalgia

Last Saturday as I was perusing the skin care aisle at WalMart (I was enjoying my childless shopping trip), I couldn't resist purchasing a small tub of Noxzema. Every time I take a whiff of this cream, it brings back a flood of childhood memories.

I remember looking at the classic royal blue tub while my mom curled my hair in the bathroom (I think when she wasn't looking, I would open it and smell it).

I remember her gently applying it to my sunburned skin (it always cooled the sting of the burn).

I remember receiving my first jar as a teenager- stumbling my way through puberty but excited by the prospect of using "grown-up" face cream.

So as I stood there in the aisle contemplating on whether I should buy it (I really didn't need it- I already have an arsenal of skin care products), I decided I just had to have it. I had to smell it and revel in nostalgia.

Noxzema is just one in a long line of "smell memories" that when inhaled lets waves of my childhood wash over me. I still have an ounce left of the Love's Baby Soft perfume my parents gave me in fourth grade. Every time I take a whiff, I remember the Christmas I received it. We were living in LA. We flew back to Kansas that year to celebrate with family. It was my first plane ride. Whenever I open I box of Fruit Loops (which is rare these days) and the fruity, lemony flavor wafts toward my nose, I am brought back to childhood vacations to Colorado when we were treated with sugar cereal in those small, travel boxes.

So, here's to smells and all the memories it brings back. Hopefully, some day, my kids will smell a whiff of vanilla and remember how much I loved burning vanilla-scented candles. And maybe that smell of vanilla will bring back happy, contented memories of home and childhood.

A Soft Heart and Thick Skin

I see my Jackson with his goofy grin dancing in the dressing room in JC Penney's. He giggles at his reflection in the mirror as I try my hardest to button his uniform pants and check the length (he seems to be outgrowing everything these days). I can't help but laugh at his exuberance and exhilaration during this back-to-school shopping trip. He knows little of what lies before him as he embarks on the beginning of his school career.

But I do.

I know that what lies ahead he will have to encounter, deal with and adapt to without me by his side. I know this is ultimately for the best and I must embrace the bitter sweetness of letting him go and take the first step into becoming his own, independent person. A person who will soak up new things about the people and world around him, learn how to assert himself and stand up for what he believes in and figure out how to open his yogurt without my help (yes, even basics such as this!).

But even though I cannot physically be by his side, I know the Lord watches over my little boy. And this comforting truth prompted me to write a letter/prayer to my Jackson.

I pray you have a soft heart and thick skin. That when others say hurtful things to you or you overhear unkind words, they roll off you like drops of water. At the same time, I pray that your heart will not harden or become jaded by the cruelty of the world. I pray that the Lord will continue to nurture your tender spirit and compassion toward others- that you will be the one who makes friends with the friendless and stands up for the bullied. I pray that you will take delight in the study of the world around you, in books you can get lost in and in the uniqueness of each of your new friends. 

I love you, Jackson, and will miss our midday cuddles on the coach, but I look forward to the adventures you will have. And I can't wait to hear all about it when I pick you up from school. :)

The Superwoman Myth

As women, we are often misguided in our notions regarding the “strong Christian woman”.  We have built her up into some kind of spiritual superwoman. She doesn’t get discouraged or depressed. She has endless energy, no major weaknesses and doesn’t struggle with habitual sin and she has Michelle Obama’s perfectly sculpted biceps (okay, maybe that's just me!).

I am no theologian, but I would like to paint a picture of a different type of strong, Christian woman. The type of woman I am striving to be (although I'm definitely not there yet): A woman whose strength flows out of her weakness- who is not afraid to admit her failures, her anxieties and her shortcomings because she knows Christ’s power is made perfect in her weakness.

Recently, my friend, fellow missionary Amber Carter and I helped put on our Midwest women’s retreat. Our theme was: Sisterhood: Standing Strong Together, Empowered to Fight the Battle. We used military images as a metaphor for how we must band together as soldiers for Christ.

After one of our sessions, a dear friend and sister from one of our churches asked me what it meant to “Step up and fight the battle.” She further stated that she didn’t see herself as a soldier. I was surprised by her response. I know this woman- she is a leader of a wonderful women’s group in her church. She has a heart and passion to minister to the hurting. She once gave up the pair of shoes she was wearing during an outreach event at a park to a homeless woman who had no shoes. Without a second thought, she graciously gave them away and continued with the outreach in only her socks.

I replied, “You are already fighting the battle! You lead a women’s ministry in which you persevere despite health issues, conflict and trials. You push through even when times are tough.”

With tears in her eyes, she quietly said, “I don’t see myself as being strong. I’m tired and worn down.”

Giving her a big hug, I firmly reminded her, “You are a strong leader. You are a veteran soldier on the battlefield- faithfully serving our commander, Christ.”

Maybe you don’t feel strong today. Maybe your recent struggles and hardships have left you battered and bruised. Maybe you, too, feel the overwhelming presence of your own weaknesses.

But take heart! 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says,

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

To all my dear sisters in Christ: May you feel the power of the Holy Spirit in you. May you know the victory of our Lord over sin and death.  May you know the strength of Christ in your most weakest moments.

2014 in Review

Another year gone by...our boys are growing- from babies to toddlers and from toddlers to preschoolers. Our ministry is evolving in ways that are, on one hand, exciting and on the other hand, troubling. But through it all, God's hand of grace is always on us. So, I wrap up this year with some serious but mostly lighthearted lists:

Family Highlights
Daren and I celebrated 10 years of marriage!
We went to Puerto Vallarta with Tony and Shari!
Jackson started preschool at CCA and loved it!
Justus learned that being cute can manipulate mommy!
We, mom and Dad and Dana and Nick and our kids vacationed in Arkansas!
Daren and I visited New Orleans and attended Boomer and Andrea's wedding in Pensacola, FL!
Tina completed the 10K at Riverfest and won the Rosie the Riveter Contest!
Daren climbed another fourteener!
My brother, Scott, got married to a wonderful woman, Joetta!

Ministry Highlights
Daren led our first Christ the Victor Church Plant School!
Daren officiated his first wedding as a Reverend inside the Hutchinson Correctional Facility!
Tina, Mom and Dad planned the missions program for Emmaus and it went great!
Tina directed CAP (Candidate Assessment Program) for the first time!
Tina lead our Regional Women's Retreat and over 100 women attended!

Most-Played Songs on Ipod
"Counting Stars" - One Republic
"Shake it Off"- Taylor Swift
"All About That Bass"- Megan Trainor
"So Far Away"- Carole King
"Talk Dirty"- Jason Derulo
"Timber"- Pitbull
"Lose Yourself"- Eminem

Most-Watched Netflix Shows
Parks and Rec
Hell on Wheels
The Walking Dead
Fraiser
New Girl
Scandal

Thought-Provoking Books
"Expectations and Burnout: Women Surviving the Great Commission", Sue Eengenburg, Robynn Bliss
"Growing Through Stress", Kath Donovan
"Cross-Cultural Servanthood", Duane Elmer
"Hunger Games" Series, Suzanne Collins
"From Crip to Christ", Eric West
"When Others Shuddered: Eight Women Who Refused to Give Up", Jamie Janosz

I Survived...
Planning Scott and Joetta's wedding! It was crazy but so worth it to be a part of a beautiful wedding.
Coordinating the wedding, Christmas celebrations and helping Tambra as she and the family mourned the tragic death of Reisha (who was shot and killed by her boyfriend).
Daren's many travels as it was just the boys and I at home.
Another year of being a mom, missionary (with a variety of jobs!) and supportive wife (mostly supportive)!

Thank you, Jesus, for this past year!

His Eye is on the Sparrow

1. "Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
   Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
   When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
2. 
   
3. I have heard this song many times, but its words impacted me once again at a funeral I attended recently-the funeral of a young woman in our community who was shot and killed by her boyfriend. A woman of 19 who leaves behind two small boys.

In the midst of planning and preparing for the joyous occasion of my brother's wedding, I received the call from a dear friend that her niece (whom I knew as well), had been shot and killed. I grieved with her over the sudden death. I sat silently with her in her apartment as she grappled with the unknowns of the situation. Why was this young woman left to die on the street- alone and without comfort? Why would God allow a mother to be taken away so violently from the two little boys she loved? Not easy questions to answer. 

In the midst of Christmas and wedding celebrations, I felt a burden for those grieving and trying to process loss that I have never had to experience. Many of those grieving- siblings, cousins, parents- don't know the peace and hope of Christ.

The funeral service was packed with people- including many who are gang members. My heart ached as each person passed her coffin to say goodbye- the desperate sobs of those who will miss her most still echo in my ears.

Whose arms will these hurting souls run to? Do they know their Heavenly Father waits with open arms? He longs to heal their wounds and to hide them beneath the shadow of His wings.

After leaving the funeral, I will admit, I felt a sense of hopelessness. Can Christ truly penetrate the chaos, violence and poverty that I can only glimpse at? I know in my heart He can, but at times I feel unequipped to the task of urban ministry.

It's hard- plain and simple. It's gut-wrenching. It takes all you have and more and sometimes fruit is hard to see.

But I know His eye is on the city and more than that, He is at work in the city! He loves each person who attended that funeral and His hope is that each person come to know Him as Savior.

How thankful I am that Christ is my portion- that he sustains me when I am week and ill-equipped.

1. “Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
   And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
   Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

No Room in the Inn

A young man wandered down our block this morning. He appeared lost and cold. He had no hat and  no gloves. My husband, who was working in our shed, noticed him and asked what he was looking for.

As he talked to him, he learned that this young man had been kicked out of his house. He was looking for a friend's house but did not have the correct address. He had no place to go, no place to stay. No adequate winter clothing to keep him warm.

We see these kinds of situations all the time in the city. People with out resources, family or hope. Somehow, though, these situations seem much more desperate in the harshness of the winter- when most families are making plans to celebrate Christmas inside warm houses.

It is no small matter that our Lord and Savior came into the world under circumstances not unlike many of the poor dwelling in our cities. His earthly parents had no place to stay- they were turned away from several establishments before finding rest in a humble stable. Christ came into the world "...to bring good news to the poor...to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives..." (Isaiah 61:1).

Daren drove this young man to a nearby shelter where he could stay and get meal. Daren also gave him his hat and gloves and prayed for him before dropping him off. Yet, when Daren returned home, he could only shake his head and say,"So sad."

If this were the end of the story, there would be no hope- no reason for celebrating this season. But we know that Hope has come. Hope was born in a dirty stable- in poverty and obscurity. Hope has come so that men and women who wander down cold, dark streets can find warmth and light in our Savior.

We have hope that this young man Daren met on our street might find Christ. We have hope that a seed was planted in his heart.

May the words of O Little Town of Bethlehem encourage your hearts:

Yet in thy dark streets shineth

The everlasting Light,

The hopes and fears of all the years,

Are met in thee tonight.

Christ has, indeed, come. And he has come to the dark streets of the inner city so that the lost may have their hope fulfilled in them.